I dont usually talk here about bible study that Im currently doing but my pastor has recently been doing a series of sermons based on Jesus' 'Sermon on the Mount', and this morning he talked so well I got really into it. The thing is, its so full of topics and questions that theres no way I could do a blog on the entire chapter in one night. So I thought I'd just look at chapter 7 bit by bit
Verse 1-5
This funnily enough is scripture I quote a lot to people who annoy me. I dont use the exact same language mindyou, but I say it in away that I know they'll understand. Its such a basic piece of advice thats so handy and affects so many people. V2 and V5 stick out for me and it simply talks of humilty, self evaluation, and that selfish need for humans to put each other down in order to feel important and righteous.
V2 "For others will treat you as you treat them, whatever measure you use in judging others, will be used to measure how you are judged."
Boy that scares me when I read that. I know that if time today was like that of before Jesus' time, I know I could be stoned multiple times over for that piece of sin. The good thing I feel about this is that with my study especially, it has forced me to change attitudes and beliefs that I held as a result of my painful upbringing. For a long while I felt I had a right to be able to stand in a crowded room, and judge the man who had hurt me for 10 years in my own personal way. Eye for an eye you know? But when I started my first year of occupational therapy in '07 the biggest thing I had to work on in my placements was acknowledging someones negative actions and attitudes and beliefs as irrelevant in building rapport with a client. For example, I once had a patient who had had a hip replacement at the young age of 36. Lovely guy, easy to talk to. But the nurses soon discovered that he was a marijuana dealer who enjoyed quite a bit of it himself. Me personally I think smoking or doing illegal drugs of any kind is stupidity in the highest form. Everyone who works in education or health knows that smoking the the leading preventable cause of death in the world. At the time, I was also having trouble after discovering my boyfriend at the time had not been honest to me about his own smoking. I absolutely hated it. But in considering this, this patient of mine really made me sit down and think for a bit. I thought, I dont know this mans life, I dont know how he got into it. And quite frankly its not my job as an occupational therapist to even inquire about his smoking (maybe his GP) and most importantly, it would be completely unprofessional of me to make his private use of his leisure time a factor in our therapy sessions. I had no right to judge him. Turns out the next day, once the nurses found out he was a drug dealer he got treated like shit. The nurses ranted about his "disgusting habit and occupation " in the staff room and I was aware that he was now being given third rate care by the orderlies in showering and toileting him. This actually upset me and because of their behaviour I actually built an even better working relationship with this guy than before.
I dont know what happened to that guy. But I know he left the ward knowing he could trust an 18year old female OT student to give him the care anyone else deserved. It doesnt mean I now think smoking is awesome. I still hate it. But Ive been teaching myself to hate the habit not the person. At the end of the day, even though Im not a medical student, I think of that oath they take which was first written by that ancient greek physician guy Hippocrates (I think it was him) - "Above all else do no harm."
Whether it be a straight laced honest working lawyer or a serial rapist who was sadistically abused as a kid, it is my duty to care not judge.
I do believe in the system of juries and courts but at the end of the day the only person who has the right to judge is God.
I forget this so often.
V5 "You hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see good enough to deal with the speck in your neighbors eye."
I hear God saying this to me so often. Mindyou, usually he says in in a more gentle manner as if hes nudging me in the back saying "Oi, Melody thats not on.." And I've learnt that if I ignore that first loving piece of constructive criticism by God, it will eventually turn into painful but humbling discipline that I know I deserved.
As Paster Paul at my church was saying, in order for this to be effectively occuring, we need to be consistently self evaluating ourselves. And honestly too. Cos if we give ourselves a sappy evaluation it just shows that we dont want to acknowledge that our attitude is wrong and that we're too lazy to fix it. OTs, psychologists and counsellors all know that the first step to positive change in behaviour is self acknowledgement of of how we stuffed up and asking for help. And this piece of group therapy logic comes straight from the awesomest counsellor ever - Jesus, in Matt 5:3-12. "Blessed are the meek, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are those who are poor in spirit.." WHY are they blessed? Cos they know it and their being honest that they're hurting! And they want it to change by asking God for help. And that process of honesty is the pulling the log out of their eye. Therefore they are now blessed cos their eye doesnt hurt from all the wood particles. lol
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
New Post in a while..
I thought I'd better start putting some stuff in here after a long break - Or maybe Im just procrastinating...
Theres two things that have been on my mind of late. One of them is singlehood and the other is loving unlovable people.
I'll talk about the latter first.
One thing that I've felt I've got an assignment from God recently is trying to love people I dont want to love. It started off with going to a life group at the start of the year. For quite some time Ive been really anti about hanging out with my own sex (how can anyone be sexist about their own sex?). Im still trying to figure out why I prefer having male friends to female ones, but now, Im finally comming to terms with my need for female company. Its been hard.. oh so hard.. And I found life group a place where I had to reteach myself no to be so bitter and judgemental. It was the worse kind too, you know the kind where you think you're absolutely right and everyone else is wrong... Not a good place to be. Sometimes, I get selfish and believe that I have a right to be angry about the past and the way I was treated and how no one supported me through it. Then I get what I call a 'God nudge' where he just pokes me in the back and goes: No no Melody thats not true..
But anyway Im going off track. Loving unlovable people. In particular Im thinking of this girl at work. She really does drive me nuts. Funnily enough, I actually went to Intermediate School with her back in Christchurch. I hardly knew her back then cos we were in different classes but I knew enough to know that no one liked her and no one hung out with her. Now Im working with her, and its the same thing all over again except Im comming to understand and share the general feelings of discord as well. Ive been given a big telling off about this from upstairs so Ive started to try and understand why shes the way she is. And what Im doing thats potentially setting her off.
First and foremost, I am not one who gossips at work (cos most people at my work are highschoolers and what they argue about is not worth my time to worry over). But what Ive been doing so far is changing my tone of voice when I talk to her. A lot of the time I find myself exaserbated by the way she speaks to customers. She is not afraid to swear at people in drive through and I think she has appalling manner to those who are disabled. I also find it hard to get along with people who generally dont care and dont make extra effort to making people feel welcome etc. And her work ethic really gets me there. The final straw I had with her the other day was she came into the staff room having barely put out her cigarette and then commenced blowing the rest of the smoke on to my face. Usually I would think of this habit with pure disgust but the fact that I had been having breathing difficulty due to my asthma that I get every time I have a cold, and that I knew, no amount of medical explanation would convice her not do it or even to apologise. And if you know me, then you know that smoking absolutely drives me up the wall.
However.
I dont know her life. I dont know why she smokes. I dont know why she seems to enjoy being indifferent and sullen towards me, I suppose I encourage it in a way. But heres what Im trying to do. I find people like you a lot more if you just use manners. And saying please and thankyou to someone who I know whill never return the favour is hard to stomach but I've been doing it lately, and surprise surprise shes stopped being so annoying. Another thing Ive started doing is just praying for both of us to understand each others way or working. As much as I'd love to be accomodating towards people who annoy me, I dont want to give them the wrong impression that I'll let them walk over me. So I asked God to just help her to see it my way as well. I hope thats not selfish. It will be interesting to see how this goes over time.
Right second topic was singlehood.
Even though Im interested in someone (and vice versa), I think its still appropriate to say Im single. Mindyou if things go well, then I suppose, I'll change that status in a couple of months time. Ive talked to my mum about this, and Im wondering if people will find it insulting that so soon after my breakup that I met and liked someone new. Will they think its a rebound thing? Or will people just think, oh cool good for her then.
I constantly review in my head how the past few months have been for me. When I told my friends I had broken up with my boyfriend I was called an ungrateful idiot by quite a few. But personally, I know I've done the right thing. It was like a major revelation for me. There was love, no doubt about that. Lots and lots of it. But none of it ever got upstairs to the one who deserved it the most. And I think it got to a point where I was trying to fill that void with things that would have been a disaster had they happen.
Letting go was incrediably hard and was the ultimate show of obedience to God on my part. And in a way, I feel a bit like Job who after losing absolutely everything (including his family and health) he still praised God. And for that he was rewarded quadrupled for his faithfulness and obedience.
After admitting and being sorry to a whole list of things I feel all clean. I feel like a bride - whose so incrediably happy with her husband. And ever since Ive entered into this somewhat unfamiliar business called celibacy with boundaries. Its been interesting. Of course its not totally been tested yet. When that oocurs I hope by then Ive changed a few old attitudes of mine.
Now Im even more piqued. Before, I was of the opinion that there was no man on earth better than the one I just left. And as much as he was a lovely fantastic guy (I still think hes awesomely cool) - boy did I put him on a pedestal. An unhealthy one at that. And now, Im wondering, like Job, for being obedient - am I being rewarded with another? Someone who is so way better, it didnt even occur to me that people like that existed? Heres me thinking, after everything I've gone through, who would want me? I couldnt believe it.. Heres someone who just happens to agree with me on practically everything. Is into the same things as me. Is a lot older and gone through more than I but still manages to ask me for advice? Is foreign enough to be deeply facinating yet not to give me headaches over cultural differences (at least not that I know yet anyway lol). Its insane how much I like this person. To the point where its worrying. Ive told myself not to get excited yet I am. Im still waiting for those flaws to come out. No one is THAT perfect. I think before December rolls around I will have lost my mind.
In the meantime though, I'll just do my best to enjoy the time Ive got here to myself and work on me :D
Theres two things that have been on my mind of late. One of them is singlehood and the other is loving unlovable people.
I'll talk about the latter first.
One thing that I've felt I've got an assignment from God recently is trying to love people I dont want to love. It started off with going to a life group at the start of the year. For quite some time Ive been really anti about hanging out with my own sex (how can anyone be sexist about their own sex?). Im still trying to figure out why I prefer having male friends to female ones, but now, Im finally comming to terms with my need for female company. Its been hard.. oh so hard.. And I found life group a place where I had to reteach myself no to be so bitter and judgemental. It was the worse kind too, you know the kind where you think you're absolutely right and everyone else is wrong... Not a good place to be. Sometimes, I get selfish and believe that I have a right to be angry about the past and the way I was treated and how no one supported me through it. Then I get what I call a 'God nudge' where he just pokes me in the back and goes: No no Melody thats not true..
But anyway Im going off track. Loving unlovable people. In particular Im thinking of this girl at work. She really does drive me nuts. Funnily enough, I actually went to Intermediate School with her back in Christchurch. I hardly knew her back then cos we were in different classes but I knew enough to know that no one liked her and no one hung out with her. Now Im working with her, and its the same thing all over again except Im comming to understand and share the general feelings of discord as well. Ive been given a big telling off about this from upstairs so Ive started to try and understand why shes the way she is. And what Im doing thats potentially setting her off.
First and foremost, I am not one who gossips at work (cos most people at my work are highschoolers and what they argue about is not worth my time to worry over). But what Ive been doing so far is changing my tone of voice when I talk to her. A lot of the time I find myself exaserbated by the way she speaks to customers. She is not afraid to swear at people in drive through and I think she has appalling manner to those who are disabled. I also find it hard to get along with people who generally dont care and dont make extra effort to making people feel welcome etc. And her work ethic really gets me there. The final straw I had with her the other day was she came into the staff room having barely put out her cigarette and then commenced blowing the rest of the smoke on to my face. Usually I would think of this habit with pure disgust but the fact that I had been having breathing difficulty due to my asthma that I get every time I have a cold, and that I knew, no amount of medical explanation would convice her not do it or even to apologise. And if you know me, then you know that smoking absolutely drives me up the wall.
However.
I dont know her life. I dont know why she smokes. I dont know why she seems to enjoy being indifferent and sullen towards me, I suppose I encourage it in a way. But heres what Im trying to do. I find people like you a lot more if you just use manners. And saying please and thankyou to someone who I know whill never return the favour is hard to stomach but I've been doing it lately, and surprise surprise shes stopped being so annoying. Another thing Ive started doing is just praying for both of us to understand each others way or working. As much as I'd love to be accomodating towards people who annoy me, I dont want to give them the wrong impression that I'll let them walk over me. So I asked God to just help her to see it my way as well. I hope thats not selfish. It will be interesting to see how this goes over time.
Right second topic was singlehood.
Even though Im interested in someone (and vice versa), I think its still appropriate to say Im single. Mindyou if things go well, then I suppose, I'll change that status in a couple of months time. Ive talked to my mum about this, and Im wondering if people will find it insulting that so soon after my breakup that I met and liked someone new. Will they think its a rebound thing? Or will people just think, oh cool good for her then.
I constantly review in my head how the past few months have been for me. When I told my friends I had broken up with my boyfriend I was called an ungrateful idiot by quite a few. But personally, I know I've done the right thing. It was like a major revelation for me. There was love, no doubt about that. Lots and lots of it. But none of it ever got upstairs to the one who deserved it the most. And I think it got to a point where I was trying to fill that void with things that would have been a disaster had they happen.
Letting go was incrediably hard and was the ultimate show of obedience to God on my part. And in a way, I feel a bit like Job who after losing absolutely everything (including his family and health) he still praised God. And for that he was rewarded quadrupled for his faithfulness and obedience.
After admitting and being sorry to a whole list of things I feel all clean. I feel like a bride - whose so incrediably happy with her husband. And ever since Ive entered into this somewhat unfamiliar business called celibacy with boundaries. Its been interesting. Of course its not totally been tested yet. When that oocurs I hope by then Ive changed a few old attitudes of mine.
Now Im even more piqued. Before, I was of the opinion that there was no man on earth better than the one I just left. And as much as he was a lovely fantastic guy (I still think hes awesomely cool) - boy did I put him on a pedestal. An unhealthy one at that. And now, Im wondering, like Job, for being obedient - am I being rewarded with another? Someone who is so way better, it didnt even occur to me that people like that existed? Heres me thinking, after everything I've gone through, who would want me? I couldnt believe it.. Heres someone who just happens to agree with me on practically everything. Is into the same things as me. Is a lot older and gone through more than I but still manages to ask me for advice? Is foreign enough to be deeply facinating yet not to give me headaches over cultural differences (at least not that I know yet anyway lol). Its insane how much I like this person. To the point where its worrying. Ive told myself not to get excited yet I am. Im still waiting for those flaws to come out. No one is THAT perfect. I think before December rolls around I will have lost my mind.
In the meantime though, I'll just do my best to enjoy the time Ive got here to myself and work on me :D
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Home at last (for a while anyway)
Its been a while since I last wrote,
In all honesty I was seriously getting weary of Dunedin and those in it. I finished my paper which I cant bring myself to predict what grade I'll get as the last time I did that I got the opposite mark of what I thought so Im keeping my thoughts to myself. All I say is - I hope I passed. If I fail Im definitely out, and I'll have no idea what I'll do but I'll have to see what my grade is first.
Work has been bit of a nightmare. I work in the only McDonalds outside of the student campus, therefore itis the McDonalds all the parents and kiddies go to. So instead of having abusive drunks to serve, I have paranoid, manipulative middle class mums who insist on bring their child with a thousand allergy requirements and then demanding why do we not have gluten free bread buns etc etc. I want to shout at these immensely stupid people "why the hell do you come here?!, This is McDonalds for crying out loud!!" We do not have the same standards as a 5 star french restaurant and I think people forget this. In fact,I've always wondered why the tv show target never does a bacteria test of something on the place, and hasent anyone seen "Supersize me"?
On the other side, on most nights I genuinely enjoy the work. It keeps me busy and its not repetitive. I have two supervisors I like a lot and a lot of other supervisor who (to put nicely) make comments crop to my mind that I try to keep to myself.
Another thing I've noticed which is the same in any minimum wage job is that the people who have been there the longest are institutionalised with the work. Ive seen this in supermarkets and other places as well. There are some people at work who I get the feeling are heading towards an early heart attack. I mean - its a normal thing to yell like gordan ramsay people who arent fast enough or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, but I get yelled at because I happen to be scooping chips in the WRONG HAND therefore Im doing it completely wrong which deserves to be yelled at next to my ear. In my head I am saying to them "Get a fucking life will you?!!" I am good at my job and proud of it, so when I get yelled at by someone to get ice and I say back "I've already done it!" They pause for a moment to say "well you havent stocked up on burger containers!" and I shout back "thats not my job, thats prep", they say back, "I dont give shit, just go get them"
A couple of days pass by and when its quiet and ive done all my jobs like stocking up, I notice prep is down on some containers so I got off to get some for them. A manager sees me and says "what the hell are you doing?" when i tell them, they say "thats not your job - go do your own!"
WELL HELLO?!! Go tell that to the other stupid manager the other day whose addicted to yelling at me! you see where Im comming from?
The other day I nearly broke down - either to punch someone or just cry. It was horendously busy as most Saturaday nights go so you needs to have your wits about you. Im getting yelled more than usual tonight again for the stupidest things that are out of my control, like drive through stealing my burgers when my customer has waited for 15 minutes. I contront them and say, no offense but my customer has been waiting bloody ages for that and you just took it - they say "thats your fault". Im sorry, ITS MY FAULT?!! The customer heard what the drive through person says and yells at me then demands free stuff and then says to me, I'm going to my table and you can bring me my order. I tell her "Im sorry ma'am, but I cant do that as theres other people to serve and its too busy." She then says "you guys are the most fucking worst place ever" - AND she SPITS on me. I nearly lose control this point as I am highly embarressed and trying so hard not to publically cry while at the same time I want to return the favour and spit back at her. I tell themanager in charge that I got spit on and that Im clearly upset and they say "I dont care get on with your work." I nearly walk out. I go back to serve and the next customer whispers to me "that lady was horrible, your doing great dear, hold on there we know your doing your best." I swear, that random lady who said that to me deserves a noble peace prize for thwarting my plans for world war 3 and bring my heart rate down. God bless her.
In all honesty I was seriously getting weary of Dunedin and those in it. I finished my paper which I cant bring myself to predict what grade I'll get as the last time I did that I got the opposite mark of what I thought so Im keeping my thoughts to myself. All I say is - I hope I passed. If I fail Im definitely out, and I'll have no idea what I'll do but I'll have to see what my grade is first.
Work has been bit of a nightmare. I work in the only McDonalds outside of the student campus, therefore itis the McDonalds all the parents and kiddies go to. So instead of having abusive drunks to serve, I have paranoid, manipulative middle class mums who insist on bring their child with a thousand allergy requirements and then demanding why do we not have gluten free bread buns etc etc. I want to shout at these immensely stupid people "why the hell do you come here?!, This is McDonalds for crying out loud!!" We do not have the same standards as a 5 star french restaurant and I think people forget this. In fact,I've always wondered why the tv show target never does a bacteria test of something on the place, and hasent anyone seen "Supersize me"?
On the other side, on most nights I genuinely enjoy the work. It keeps me busy and its not repetitive. I have two supervisors I like a lot and a lot of other supervisor who (to put nicely) make comments crop to my mind that I try to keep to myself.
Another thing I've noticed which is the same in any minimum wage job is that the people who have been there the longest are institutionalised with the work. Ive seen this in supermarkets and other places as well. There are some people at work who I get the feeling are heading towards an early heart attack. I mean - its a normal thing to yell like gordan ramsay people who arent fast enough or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, but I get yelled at because I happen to be scooping chips in the WRONG HAND therefore Im doing it completely wrong which deserves to be yelled at next to my ear. In my head I am saying to them "Get a fucking life will you?!!" I am good at my job and proud of it, so when I get yelled at by someone to get ice and I say back "I've already done it!" They pause for a moment to say "well you havent stocked up on burger containers!" and I shout back "thats not my job, thats prep", they say back, "I dont give shit, just go get them"
A couple of days pass by and when its quiet and ive done all my jobs like stocking up, I notice prep is down on some containers so I got off to get some for them. A manager sees me and says "what the hell are you doing?" when i tell them, they say "thats not your job - go do your own!"
WELL HELLO?!! Go tell that to the other stupid manager the other day whose addicted to yelling at me! you see where Im comming from?
The other day I nearly broke down - either to punch someone or just cry. It was horendously busy as most Saturaday nights go so you needs to have your wits about you. Im getting yelled more than usual tonight again for the stupidest things that are out of my control, like drive through stealing my burgers when my customer has waited for 15 minutes. I contront them and say, no offense but my customer has been waiting bloody ages for that and you just took it - they say "thats your fault". Im sorry, ITS MY FAULT?!! The customer heard what the drive through person says and yells at me then demands free stuff and then says to me, I'm going to my table and you can bring me my order. I tell her "Im sorry ma'am, but I cant do that as theres other people to serve and its too busy." She then says "you guys are the most fucking worst place ever" - AND she SPITS on me. I nearly lose control this point as I am highly embarressed and trying so hard not to publically cry while at the same time I want to return the favour and spit back at her. I tell themanager in charge that I got spit on and that Im clearly upset and they say "I dont care get on with your work." I nearly walk out. I go back to serve and the next customer whispers to me "that lady was horrible, your doing great dear, hold on there we know your doing your best." I swear, that random lady who said that to me deserves a noble peace prize for thwarting my plans for world war 3 and bring my heart rate down. God bless her.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Books
Im currently reading a fantastic book called "Better Off" by Eric Brende. Its about an American bloke who after doing the usual tertiary study on the effects of electricity on humans (or technology in general), decides to embark on a wee experimental adventure (without funding) on living without electricity for 18 months.
So after randomly meeting an Amish bloke at a intercity bus depot and enquiring how might a non Amish person do the non technology sort of thing, Brende and his new wife moved to live in a community dubbed by Brende as the Minimites. A small community made up of people mainly from other Amish communities but also astonishingly enough, a few past city slickers so sick of the side effects of pollution, television and mcdonalds that they've full heartedly entered themselves into this lifestyle. The author pretty much created the word Minimites with the words Mennomites (what some Amish call themselves) and Minimalists = people who believe communal hardwork and fellowship is in fact a cool thing (I tend to agree).
One point to make is that Brende is not saying technology is awful, only his message is about doses and levels of technology in moderacy. His experiences and thoughtful insight will make you question whether or not that brand new state of the art washing machine you just bought really is time saving or is it just another machine that your family culture circulates around with a manual that gives you double the stress compared to the more"old fashioned" simple machines.
Reading this book was inspirational and made me want to go outside in the dreary Dunedin cold to create a mini farm in my backyard it also made me want to chuck my television out the window but after a while I thought - better just turn it off at the wall.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Crazy Dreams
Theres something thats been on my mind for quite a while and only recently, have I actively decided I wanted to do this:
Write a book.
My logical self screams "Why should I even bother??!!"
My gut tells me its a fantastic idea.
I want to write a book that is part memoir part self help. As a Christian and a survivor of domestic abuse, I feel like I've got a story to tell and an urge to assist those out there who are trapped in abusive relationships and/or marriages. It has also come to my attention how much of a controversial topic this is in the church.
The man who abused my family and myself claimed to be a "God fearing man." He didnt go to church but boy did he use christian doctrine to condone what he did. And everyone outside of my family fell for it especially my own church family. When I bravely asked for my pastor for a place to stay he said no and said he didnt want to cause trouble with the man in question by "butting in on family matters." To this day I am appalled at the lack of support for my family which was all fuelled by fear.
I have a strong feeling that there are others out there who are experiencing this. I also want to aim this book at those who have commited their lives to Christ, but find that they are being persecuted by their spouses for their new choices. I want this book to help people identify abuse especially emotional abuse tactics that most of the time only victims recognise. I want in the book to have resources available to people who want help but dont know hwere to go.
And lastly, I am sick to death of the stigma that is attached to divorced women who want to go to church. People need to wake up to this and bring this discussion upfront. Im am sick of the ignorant and stupid ideas by people who have no experience whatsoever in the matter of abuse who say
"why dont they get out?", "why would any self respecting woman stay with a man like that?" "abuse only happens in poor neighborhoods.." blah blah blah.
Right now, my heart absolutely cries out for that lone beaten woman and for all those children in the past have been abused by family members but where the doctors were too late to save them.
And most of all, my heart cries out to all communities and its members who think "Its not my problem" or "I dont want to cause trouble" or "even though her husband beat her up for over 10 years shes commiting a big sin by divorcing him..."
I feel like this angry passion for this topic is boiling up within myself and I want to explode.
In order for this book to be a decent piece of work, I predict it will take me years to do this. Plus it wouldnt be too bad to have a few years as an occupational therapist under my belt. See the real effects of abuse first hand etc. But, by that stage my memory will be a bit fuzzy, so Im writing my memories of those painful events even now as I write this. I'll do some research in my next holidays though as Im currently quite busy with study.
Is this a crazy dream? Has anyone ever bought up this topic before? (abuse, divorce & church)
Write a book.
My logical self screams "Why should I even bother??!!"
My gut tells me its a fantastic idea.
I want to write a book that is part memoir part self help. As a Christian and a survivor of domestic abuse, I feel like I've got a story to tell and an urge to assist those out there who are trapped in abusive relationships and/or marriages. It has also come to my attention how much of a controversial topic this is in the church.
The man who abused my family and myself claimed to be a "God fearing man." He didnt go to church but boy did he use christian doctrine to condone what he did. And everyone outside of my family fell for it especially my own church family. When I bravely asked for my pastor for a place to stay he said no and said he didnt want to cause trouble with the man in question by "butting in on family matters." To this day I am appalled at the lack of support for my family which was all fuelled by fear.
I have a strong feeling that there are others out there who are experiencing this. I also want to aim this book at those who have commited their lives to Christ, but find that they are being persecuted by their spouses for their new choices. I want this book to help people identify abuse especially emotional abuse tactics that most of the time only victims recognise. I want in the book to have resources available to people who want help but dont know hwere to go.
And lastly, I am sick to death of the stigma that is attached to divorced women who want to go to church. People need to wake up to this and bring this discussion upfront. Im am sick of the ignorant and stupid ideas by people who have no experience whatsoever in the matter of abuse who say
"why dont they get out?", "why would any self respecting woman stay with a man like that?" "abuse only happens in poor neighborhoods.." blah blah blah.
Right now, my heart absolutely cries out for that lone beaten woman and for all those children in the past have been abused by family members but where the doctors were too late to save them.
And most of all, my heart cries out to all communities and its members who think "Its not my problem" or "I dont want to cause trouble" or "even though her husband beat her up for over 10 years shes commiting a big sin by divorcing him..."
I feel like this angry passion for this topic is boiling up within myself and I want to explode.
In order for this book to be a decent piece of work, I predict it will take me years to do this. Plus it wouldnt be too bad to have a few years as an occupational therapist under my belt. See the real effects of abuse first hand etc. But, by that stage my memory will be a bit fuzzy, so Im writing my memories of those painful events even now as I write this. I'll do some research in my next holidays though as Im currently quite busy with study.
Is this a crazy dream? Has anyone ever bought up this topic before? (abuse, divorce & church)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Music
Lately, Ive been noticing a change in my habit of listening to music/radio in my bedroom or car.
In the past, Ive set my stereo as an alarm clock so that it automatically turns on at 7am every weekday. It has been playing the same radio station since my first year in highschool (Im now 20 years old). My reasons for keeping it on this particular radio (which shall remain nameless) have been because its Breakfast Show gives me a few good ol laughs and also the fact that I've won 500 dollars off this show and other prizes are why I've kept reasonably loyal to it.
However, since the start of the year and probably due to my lack of having to wake up early for 8am lectures anymore, I've had it off quite a lot of time off. When I do wakeup, Im often too busy (dealing with the freezing Dunedin cold) to listen to it or I wake up after the breakfast show is finished.
Ive also come to the realisation that I really despise music from this decade. Not all of it - but most of it. Ive been spending more and more of my huge free time reading my bible and learning lots. Its a bit lonely sometimes as I live on the other side of town from campus but I have been thoroughly enjoying the benefits. I havent particularly prayed for this out loud or anything but to me it seems as if God has extended my gift of discernment over to music as well. So when Im driving to and from campus I like to have a bit of background noise in my car (as you do sometimes). My car radio is permanently tuned to a station that plays popular pop music with themes like dress up like a chicken to win freebies. One of the things I like about this radio station is that it randomly plays songs from the 80's and 90's. And when a song comes on with lurid lyrics or themes etc its like I get an instant migraine. For example "The Fear" by Lily Allen. I dont know her, I dont know her personality, but seriously where in that brain of hers does she come up with lyrics like that?!
"I want to be rich and I want lots of money. I dont care about clever I dont care about funny. I want loads of clothes and f***loads of diamonds. I heard people die while they are trying to find them. I`ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless. Cos everyone knows thats how you get famous. I`ll look at the sun and I`ll look in the mirror. Im on the right track yeah Im on to a winner.
I dont know whats right and whats real anymore. I dont know how Im meant to feel anymore. When we think it will all become clear, Cos Im being taken over by The Fear. Lifes about film stars and less about mothers. Its all about fast cars and cussing each other. But it doesnt matter cause Im packing plastic, and thats what makes my life so f***ing fantastic..."
You know, lots of people I'm sure will say its all innocent lalala. But I'll tell you what, young kids who dont understand the message of this song will still memorise the lyrics which will be soaked in like a sponge, til it can be used later on (I would know, I can still remember those embarressing Spice Girl lyrics from my girlhood).
The fact is, is that I still turn the radio on in the hopes that they might play a U2 classic or a nice song by the Fugees or something.
I said out loud in the car the other day "The next time I hear that/those stupid song/s Im gonna turn it off for about 3 mins and pray about stuff that Im grateful for."
Tell you what, my little trick is working. Its also helping my to tone my language down, though Im not perfect in that little area.
Adieu
PS
Whatever happened to REAL Rhythm and Blues aye? Not this downgrading too fast trash their playing these days. Man... I sound like my grandfather lol.
In the past, Ive set my stereo as an alarm clock so that it automatically turns on at 7am every weekday. It has been playing the same radio station since my first year in highschool (Im now 20 years old). My reasons for keeping it on this particular radio (which shall remain nameless) have been because its Breakfast Show gives me a few good ol laughs and also the fact that I've won 500 dollars off this show and other prizes are why I've kept reasonably loyal to it.
However, since the start of the year and probably due to my lack of having to wake up early for 8am lectures anymore, I've had it off quite a lot of time off. When I do wakeup, Im often too busy (dealing with the freezing Dunedin cold) to listen to it or I wake up after the breakfast show is finished.
Ive also come to the realisation that I really despise music from this decade. Not all of it - but most of it. Ive been spending more and more of my huge free time reading my bible and learning lots. Its a bit lonely sometimes as I live on the other side of town from campus but I have been thoroughly enjoying the benefits. I havent particularly prayed for this out loud or anything but to me it seems as if God has extended my gift of discernment over to music as well. So when Im driving to and from campus I like to have a bit of background noise in my car (as you do sometimes). My car radio is permanently tuned to a station that plays popular pop music with themes like dress up like a chicken to win freebies. One of the things I like about this radio station is that it randomly plays songs from the 80's and 90's. And when a song comes on with lurid lyrics or themes etc its like I get an instant migraine. For example "The Fear" by Lily Allen. I dont know her, I dont know her personality, but seriously where in that brain of hers does she come up with lyrics like that?!
"I want to be rich and I want lots of money. I dont care about clever I dont care about funny. I want loads of clothes and f***loads of diamonds. I heard people die while they are trying to find them. I`ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless. Cos everyone knows thats how you get famous. I`ll look at the sun and I`ll look in the mirror. Im on the right track yeah Im on to a winner.
I dont know whats right and whats real anymore. I dont know how Im meant to feel anymore. When we think it will all become clear, Cos Im being taken over by The Fear. Lifes about film stars and less about mothers. Its all about fast cars and cussing each other. But it doesnt matter cause Im packing plastic, and thats what makes my life so f***ing fantastic..."
You know, lots of people I'm sure will say its all innocent lalala. But I'll tell you what, young kids who dont understand the message of this song will still memorise the lyrics which will be soaked in like a sponge, til it can be used later on (I would know, I can still remember those embarressing Spice Girl lyrics from my girlhood).
The fact is, is that I still turn the radio on in the hopes that they might play a U2 classic or a nice song by the Fugees or something.
I said out loud in the car the other day "The next time I hear that/those stupid song/s Im gonna turn it off for about 3 mins and pray about stuff that Im grateful for."
Tell you what, my little trick is working. Its also helping my to tone my language down, though Im not perfect in that little area.
Adieu
PS
Whatever happened to REAL Rhythm and Blues aye? Not this downgrading too fast trash their playing these days. Man... I sound like my grandfather lol.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I miss OT *sigh
The sad thing about doing only two papers this year is that I feel Im getting rusty with my passion for Occupational therapy. To think I fought the biggest fight of my life (so far) which had physical, emotional and spiritual repercussions in order to even get provisional entry in the degree course down here in Otago Polytechnic then to be accepted was the greatest accomplishment Ive ever done after the hellhole of 2006. Like the Shawshank Redemption - I had to go through a dark and terrifying tunnel of shit before I could come out clean.
First year in Dunedin was wonderful - no wait, it was the most beautiful liberation ever. Although I moved away from my mother and boyfriend, I had to do it for my own growth. The papers were interesting. Some extraodinarily difficult ie kinesiology paper and a few others but most were facinating and I got good marks.
Second year was another growth period. I started flatting for the first time. Good and bad times came out of that. But it was fast paced at polytech. The third years and lecturers warned us that it was going to be our toughest year. two one month placements in the middle of each semester as well as the workload that comes with doing 7 papers no one person could not handle without at least one emotional breakdown. Quite obviously this happened to me, while becoming a social recluse and doing too many frequent allnighters which resulted in me developing insomnia at night and hysteria during the day. Not a pretty sight...
So many people dropped out that year.
Amazingly I passed all of my papers save for one which I did so bad, the marker told me it was the worst mark she'd ever given in that one paper. Pretty shameful I know, though at the time I was more concerned about my emotional state and I allowed that remark to go over me like water off a ducks back - which incidently was thrown back at me at new years.
The second semester of last year was a mixed bonfire of warmth and hell as well. I was redoing a 1st year reflections paper that I failed only by 2% then later misread the reassessment requirements (the word "doh!" is appropriate here). So all in all I was working full time at a neuro rehab clinic in auckland while doing 8 full time papers. But I organised my time much better this time and by the time I got back to dunedin my refection paper was half way done and I was much more prepared for my practical exams.
Weird thing is is that my grades did not correlate with the work I put in. My 1st paper (or so I thought) was bloody good. After all I'd read the reading material and two qualified OTs helped me with ideas and such. I handed that paper in actually believing it was A- material.
By the time was over and the summer holidays began I started to worry about that paper. I got my marks back from all but that one paper and passed. Weird thing is is that I got all A's for the papers I did only an average amount of study to and got C- for the papers I put my blood sweat and tears into. Weird..
On the day of my birthday dinner with my boyfriend, after recieving no news whatsoever about the paper I had redone, I recieved a very abrupt letter from one of my lecterers stating my expulsion from the degree course because of my second failure in that paper. Later on that evening, my boyfriend was cheated over 500 dollars for a bottle of wine he did not intend to buy and out of grief over the letter and our hard earnt holiday money being forcefully spent on a 12 year old bottle of red - I drank only half a glass of the stuff and later on had a five day hangover as well as food poisoning. My mum rechons that my stress reaction to the letter then drinking a glass of good quality blackmailed wine would definitely have propelled anyone the urge to cry and vomit continuously for five days.
A week after that, I became angry. VERY angry. Being a christian I believed with all my heart from the age of 14 that God had chosen my career as an occupational therapist. I wasnt as intellectually brilliant at OT compared my teachers at highschool choice for me of doing a Masters degree in History (which I still happily study as a hobby), but I was passionate about OT. I love how I've grown professionally over the past two years - I love studying the theory and then going out into practice with real clients and actually seeing the results of my study in others. I have loved the feeling of servitude and going home after work and feeling happy and content and feeling as if I was a part of making the world a better place. Not to mention the more I learnt about the profession of OT the more glad I was that I chose to do it instead of doing History. As my mum told me this year - In this day and age of recession, there is always a need for OTs to be employed and I would never have any trouble finding a job compared to having a Phd in History and not knowing what to do with it after graduation.
I fought tooth and nail to be let back in and after finding out I'd only be allowed to do the two papers I previously failed this year I drove all the way to Moeraki Boulders to cry my eyes out (I was still just a tad angry).
Well now its May '09. And truth be told Im glad to have had the chance to have a break. Im sleeping like Ive never slept before, I have the energy to actually exercise and am actually earning money for my last placements next year so I dont have to add more to my debt. Im socialising more and enjoying church and spiritual growth much more than I ever hoped. And now that the second half of the semester is up and running again, Im looking forward to learning OT again. I miss the bulk learning, but Im also certainly enjoying my flexible timetable and am relishing in it. By February next year I will be refreshed and ready to finish my last year of study. Goodness knows how much Ive put into it.
I love OT !!
First year in Dunedin was wonderful - no wait, it was the most beautiful liberation ever. Although I moved away from my mother and boyfriend, I had to do it for my own growth. The papers were interesting. Some extraodinarily difficult ie kinesiology paper and a few others but most were facinating and I got good marks.
Second year was another growth period. I started flatting for the first time. Good and bad times came out of that. But it was fast paced at polytech. The third years and lecturers warned us that it was going to be our toughest year. two one month placements in the middle of each semester as well as the workload that comes with doing 7 papers no one person could not handle without at least one emotional breakdown. Quite obviously this happened to me, while becoming a social recluse and doing too many frequent allnighters which resulted in me developing insomnia at night and hysteria during the day. Not a pretty sight...
So many people dropped out that year.
Amazingly I passed all of my papers save for one which I did so bad, the marker told me it was the worst mark she'd ever given in that one paper. Pretty shameful I know, though at the time I was more concerned about my emotional state and I allowed that remark to go over me like water off a ducks back - which incidently was thrown back at me at new years.
The second semester of last year was a mixed bonfire of warmth and hell as well. I was redoing a 1st year reflections paper that I failed only by 2% then later misread the reassessment requirements (the word "doh!" is appropriate here). So all in all I was working full time at a neuro rehab clinic in auckland while doing 8 full time papers. But I organised my time much better this time and by the time I got back to dunedin my refection paper was half way done and I was much more prepared for my practical exams.
Weird thing is is that my grades did not correlate with the work I put in. My 1st paper (or so I thought) was bloody good. After all I'd read the reading material and two qualified OTs helped me with ideas and such. I handed that paper in actually believing it was A- material.
By the time was over and the summer holidays began I started to worry about that paper. I got my marks back from all but that one paper and passed. Weird thing is is that I got all A's for the papers I did only an average amount of study to and got C- for the papers I put my blood sweat and tears into. Weird..
On the day of my birthday dinner with my boyfriend, after recieving no news whatsoever about the paper I had redone, I recieved a very abrupt letter from one of my lecterers stating my expulsion from the degree course because of my second failure in that paper. Later on that evening, my boyfriend was cheated over 500 dollars for a bottle of wine he did not intend to buy and out of grief over the letter and our hard earnt holiday money being forcefully spent on a 12 year old bottle of red - I drank only half a glass of the stuff and later on had a five day hangover as well as food poisoning. My mum rechons that my stress reaction to the letter then drinking a glass of good quality blackmailed wine would definitely have propelled anyone the urge to cry and vomit continuously for five days.
A week after that, I became angry. VERY angry. Being a christian I believed with all my heart from the age of 14 that God had chosen my career as an occupational therapist. I wasnt as intellectually brilliant at OT compared my teachers at highschool choice for me of doing a Masters degree in History (which I still happily study as a hobby), but I was passionate about OT. I love how I've grown professionally over the past two years - I love studying the theory and then going out into practice with real clients and actually seeing the results of my study in others. I have loved the feeling of servitude and going home after work and feeling happy and content and feeling as if I was a part of making the world a better place. Not to mention the more I learnt about the profession of OT the more glad I was that I chose to do it instead of doing History. As my mum told me this year - In this day and age of recession, there is always a need for OTs to be employed and I would never have any trouble finding a job compared to having a Phd in History and not knowing what to do with it after graduation.
I fought tooth and nail to be let back in and after finding out I'd only be allowed to do the two papers I previously failed this year I drove all the way to Moeraki Boulders to cry my eyes out (I was still just a tad angry).
Well now its May '09. And truth be told Im glad to have had the chance to have a break. Im sleeping like Ive never slept before, I have the energy to actually exercise and am actually earning money for my last placements next year so I dont have to add more to my debt. Im socialising more and enjoying church and spiritual growth much more than I ever hoped. And now that the second half of the semester is up and running again, Im looking forward to learning OT again. I miss the bulk learning, but Im also certainly enjoying my flexible timetable and am relishing in it. By February next year I will be refreshed and ready to finish my last year of study. Goodness knows how much Ive put into it.
I love OT !!
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