I thought I'd better start putting some stuff in here after a long break - Or maybe Im just procrastinating...
Theres two things that have been on my mind of late. One of them is singlehood and the other is loving unlovable people.
I'll talk about the latter first.
One thing that I've felt I've got an assignment from God recently is trying to love people I dont want to love. It started off with going to a life group at the start of the year. For quite some time Ive been really anti about hanging out with my own sex (how can anyone be sexist about their own sex?). Im still trying to figure out why I prefer having male friends to female ones, but now, Im finally comming to terms with my need for female company. Its been hard.. oh so hard.. And I found life group a place where I had to reteach myself no to be so bitter and judgemental. It was the worse kind too, you know the kind where you think you're absolutely right and everyone else is wrong... Not a good place to be. Sometimes, I get selfish and believe that I have a right to be angry about the past and the way I was treated and how no one supported me through it. Then I get what I call a 'God nudge' where he just pokes me in the back and goes: No no Melody thats not true..
But anyway Im going off track. Loving unlovable people. In particular Im thinking of this girl at work. She really does drive me nuts. Funnily enough, I actually went to Intermediate School with her back in Christchurch. I hardly knew her back then cos we were in different classes but I knew enough to know that no one liked her and no one hung out with her. Now Im working with her, and its the same thing all over again except Im comming to understand and share the general feelings of discord as well. Ive been given a big telling off about this from upstairs so Ive started to try and understand why shes the way she is. And what Im doing thats potentially setting her off.
First and foremost, I am not one who gossips at work (cos most people at my work are highschoolers and what they argue about is not worth my time to worry over). But what Ive been doing so far is changing my tone of voice when I talk to her. A lot of the time I find myself exaserbated by the way she speaks to customers. She is not afraid to swear at people in drive through and I think she has appalling manner to those who are disabled. I also find it hard to get along with people who generally dont care and dont make extra effort to making people feel welcome etc. And her work ethic really gets me there. The final straw I had with her the other day was she came into the staff room having barely put out her cigarette and then commenced blowing the rest of the smoke on to my face. Usually I would think of this habit with pure disgust but the fact that I had been having breathing difficulty due to my asthma that I get every time I have a cold, and that I knew, no amount of medical explanation would convice her not do it or even to apologise. And if you know me, then you know that smoking absolutely drives me up the wall.
I dont know her life. I dont know why she smokes. I dont know why she seems to enjoy being indifferent and sullen towards me, I suppose I encourage it in a way. But heres what Im trying to do. I find people like you a lot more if you just use manners. And saying please and thankyou to someone who I know whill never return the favour is hard to stomach but I've been doing it lately, and surprise surprise shes stopped being so annoying. Another thing Ive started doing is just praying for both of us to understand each others way or working. As much as I'd love to be accomodating towards people who annoy me, I dont want to give them the wrong impression that I'll let them walk over me. So I asked God to just help her to see it my way as well. I hope thats not selfish. It will be interesting to see how this goes over time.
Right second topic was singlehood.
Even though Im interested in someone (and vice versa), I think its still appropriate to say Im single. Mindyou if things go well, then I suppose, I'll change that status in a couple of months time. Ive talked to my mum about this, and Im wondering if people will find it insulting that so soon after my breakup that I met and liked someone new. Will they think its a rebound thing? Or will people just think, oh cool good for her then.
I constantly review in my head how the past few months have been for me. When I told my friends I had broken up with my boyfriend I was called an ungrateful idiot by quite a few. But personally, I know I've done the right thing. It was like a major revelation for me. There was love, no doubt about that. Lots and lots of it. But none of it ever got upstairs to the one who deserved it the most. And I think it got to a point where I was trying to fill that void with things that would have been a disaster had they happen.
Letting go was incrediably hard and was the ultimate show of obedience to God on my part. And in a way, I feel a bit like Job who after losing absolutely everything (including his family and health) he still praised God. And for that he was rewarded quadrupled for his faithfulness and obedience.
After admitting and being sorry to a whole list of things I feel all clean. I feel like a bride - whose so incrediably happy with her husband. And ever since Ive entered into this somewhat unfamiliar business called celibacy with boundaries. Its been interesting. Of course its not totally been tested yet. When that oocurs I hope by then Ive changed a few old attitudes of mine.
Now Im even more piqued. Before, I was of the opinion that there was no man on earth better than the one I just left. And as much as he was a lovely fantastic guy (I still think hes awesomely cool) - boy did I put him on a pedestal. An unhealthy one at that. And now, Im wondering, like Job, for being obedient - am I being rewarded with another? Someone who is so way better, it didnt even occur to me that people like that existed? Heres me thinking, after everything I've gone through, who would want me? I couldnt believe it.. Heres someone who just happens to agree with me on practically everything. Is into the same things as me. Is a lot older and gone through more than I but still manages to ask me for advice? Is foreign enough to be deeply facinating yet not to give me headaches over cultural differences (at least not that I know yet anyway lol). Its insane how much I like this person. To the point where its worrying. Ive told myself not to get excited yet I am. Im still waiting for those flaws to come out. No one is THAT perfect. I think before December rolls around I will have lost my mind.
In the meantime though, I'll just do my best to enjoy the time Ive got here to myself and work on me :D